Dear Jenna: | Bed Wetting/Enuresis

Dear Jenna,
Our newest member of the family has been regressing in his potty training since coming to live with us full time. He was fully potty trained. But in the past month he has been wetting the bed nearly every night, and sometimes having accidents during the day. I am going to pull my hair out if I have to change another sheet.
-Losing Hair

Dear Losing Hair,
  I actually just wrote an article about this a few months back for some friends at my church who were experiencing the same difficulties. (See below.) Be encouraged you are not alone. 
-Jenna

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Enuresis: Bedwetting and Regression

Jenna J. Gough, ACSW

(Written for foster and adoptive parents.)

Your child has been potty trained for a year or more even. You’re enjoying the diaper free life, and bam… all of the sudden they are wetting their pants, or pooping their pants, peeing and pooping in strange places, hiding it under the bed, or in their clothes. In the blink of an eye, you are back to washing sheets every morning and re-making beds like its your morning cup of coffee. Not cool.

To start with lets look at peeing and pooping our pants as a behavior. I’m going to share something with you that changed my life. It’s worth a lot of money, and it is a major shortcut in addressing child behaviors. Are you ready?  “Every behavior is rooted in a need.” Needs cannot be argued or disputed they are present and present to stay. Some of our basic needs include, the need for food, water, and shelter. But in addition to being a body, we are also a mind and spirit. Some of our psychological needs include; safety, security, love, and affection. Abraham Maslow, was a guy who explained what he called a “hierarchy of needs.” Maslow drew a pyramid and at the very bottom of the pyramid he placed our most basic needs. Maslow explains that if our most basic needs are not met, that we will be unable to function on higher levels such as learning new things, developing social skills, performing well in school, etc. 

Now this may surprise you, but “bedwetting” is a behavior. As we now know, bedwetting emerges because of unmet needs. The number one thing that bedwetting is associated with is a need for a sense of security. What we mean by “security,” is the belief that everything is going to be okay. At this age, children don’t believe necessarily because they are told so, but rather they believe because they experience it. A child must know that their needs will be taken care of. Many children have not experienced this while living with their biological mom or dad. As a result their mind spends time thinking about when they will get food, rather than being filled with thoughts of play doh and crafts or something that your own child possibly would think about. When a child’s mind is consumed with thoughts on how to get their basic needs met, this produces anxiety and uncertainty. Anxiety is also closely related to bedwetting. So its stands to reason that a great start for addressing your child’s regression, is to work at various ways in which you can restore their sense of security and reduce the level of their anxiety right?

Easy for you to say lady. How exactly do I do that?

Nighttime

There are several practical ways to address bedwetting. In addition to the approaches listed below I recommend seeing a licensed child counselor who can work with you to identify patterns in the child’s behavior. Never-the-less here are a few practical approaches.

Limit the child’s fluid intake several hours before bedtime. 

Set an alarm and take the child to the restroom in the middle of the night. 1 or 2 times depending on what you feel is needed.

Consult with your pediatrician about medications that can help with bed wetting for a period of time before weaning them off when the child is ready. 

Use a special bedtime spray (for example a lavender scent) and explain to the child that it is a special spray. You can be creative with small children explaining that it keeps monsters away, or that it attracts guardian angels, etc. From my experience dad’s can be really good at this part.

Go to the store with the child and purchase something that is very soft and cuddly, like a blanket or a stuffed animal. Make a BIG woohaa about how this is her special bedtime blanket or rabbit or what have you. The point is to give the child an added sense of comfort during nighttime hours.

Daytime

Since the child is expressing outwardly, what they are feeling inwardly, a highly recommended approach to day time accidents, when they occur, is to remain calm. This will reassure the child that although they are feeling anxious and out of control, you are not. Even though it is tempting to believe this will go on for all of eternity, it will not. The child will eventually regain a sense of security and will be able to do this more quickly if you the parent also exude a calm energy. Whatever they are experiencing does not scare you. 

Some things you might say to the child during one of these time are:

“Oh you had an accident. I understand you are not feeling well. You will feel better soon. Let’s clean you up.” After cleaning up, a quick hug and a reassuring “You’ll be okay” will go a long ways.

Keep it brief and have a “no big deal” attitude whenever possible. If you need to go pull your hair out after… feel free. The more frustrated you become with the child, the longer it will be before they are able to regain their footing. Talk to a counselor or a friend and express your frustrations in a safe place, away from the child. Do not forget the more calm reassurance you offer, the quicker they will get through it.

In closing, remember that this child will need some time to experience a new way of life. It will take him several weeks if not months, to learn (without you telling him) that your home is different then what he has experienced before. Essentially, the child will need to begin to trust that he will be okay with your family and in your home. And kids can’t be tricked about this kind of stuff. They don’t feel safe because someone simply told them they will be safe. They tend to wait and see for themselves if the coast is clear. I would encourage you to be yourself, have fun, and let your new family member observe all the wonderful things that make your family the special family that it is. 

Dear Jenna: | Nightmares/Night Terrors

I know whether you're a working or stay at home mom it can be hard to get out and compare notes with a bunch of other moms. Your child's pediatrician will give you charts and explain where they fall percentage wise for their physical development, but I find that moms also want to know where their children fall in the emotional category. It can be hard to know what is normal for your child's emotional development, when you don't exactly have the opportunity to poll all the children in the neighborhood while doing laundry, cleaning up messes, and finding time to actually intentionally teach them what you value.


So I thought I'd begin sharing some of the questions my friends shoot my way. Especially when I see themes. So here is a theme I have seen recently.... Nightmares.

   
Dear Jenna,
Okay so how do you deal with kids when they have nightmares? Maybe I'm overreacting and she just wants to cuddle with me and is using a tactic that will work with me, but so far all I can think to do is let her sleep in bed with me.
-Softy

Dear Softy,
First of all it sounds like you're a fabulous Mama. (And since you happen to be my friend, I KNOW you are.) Secondly nightmares in children are common between the ages of 3-6. This has to do with the development of their brain at this stage in conjunction with their emotional development. Which means... you can stop feeling guilty now. ;-) You and all the other mothers out there. 
I would be remiss if I did not first recommend to take your child to their doctor. However for night terrors the most common recommendation from a pediatrician that I have heard is to let them grow out of it.
-Jenna

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Nightmares/Night Terrors


Jenna J. Gough, ACSW

Here is the most common technique I suggest to parents with children experiencing either nightmares or night terrors. 

Prayer: (spiritual piece)

Have the child's Father pray over their room. (If father is unable to do it or would rather not, the person in the home with the most spiritual authority is most desirable for this task. Be that Dad, Grandpa, Mom, or older brother.... etc.) The child should not be present. This could become super religious but need not be. It is simply exercising authority over the space in which your child sleeps, and telling any negative energy, spirit, etc. that it is not desired and to leave. 

The Bad Dream Cleaning Spray: (psychological piece)

Get a spray bottle. Fill it with water and lavender. 

Just before bed time, have (preferably) Father, go into the child's room with the "bad dream cleaning spray." Have Father spray down the entire room for bad dreams. (While child is watching.) Father should make sure he checks the corners of the room, under the bed, and most definitely the closet. Also, be sure to ask the child if there are any spots that you may have missed. Thoroughly spray down any areas the child may point out. 

The psychology behind it? At this age the child is learning to feel safe and secure on his/her own. This sense of security is largely transferred from parent to child. The child will associate the scent of lavender or whichever you choose, with their Father (in whose presence, the child is safe and secure.) You can also use Dad's aftershave, deodorant, whatever you'd like. Just don't let them know that it's just dad's aftershave. Get it right. This is the "bad dream cleaning spray" folks.

Of the five human senses, the sense that is most closely associated with our memory is our sense of smell. Dad's smell will linger on the pillow, and remind the brain (and in my personal opinion, the spirit of the child) that their Father is present and they are safe. Ta da!

Sleeping in Bed or Napping with Mom and Dad:

In severe cases (like in the foster children who have been abused by mom or dad) it takes a while for the sense of security to be restored in the child's mind and spirit. In cases of adoption for instance I recommend the child having the opportunity to have time with mom and dad in bed. I know people freak out about the "propriety" of it but if you've ever heard a child having a night terror, you might reconsider. The sense of safety and security that comes from the presence of a protective figure is unmatched by medicine. This however is for children that are behind emotionally, which is typically not your biological child unless they have witnessed a divorce or other type of emotionally upsetting experience. 

The last area to cover is YOU. Although the challenge may originate in your child's developing brain and spirit, it also may be a combination of your own fears as well. 

Check Yourself:

(psychological piece)

Your child has the ability to learn to sleep on his/her own between the ages of 3-6 if given the opportunity. But remember it is an emotional growth process and your role as parent is to help them transition from gaining their security from being with you, to the realization that they are still safe apart from you.

(spiritual piece)

Lots of parents don't actually believe this, hence the doubly difficult time they experience with this stage of their child's development. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?

 Do you trust that your child is okay outside of your sight? In their own bed? At school? Well if not, get over it. You're trippin' up your poor kid. And here is the real question... Do you trust God with your child? Or are you their God? What is the difference between being a parent and being God? 

     

In case you were wondering...

Nightmares vs. Night Terrors

nightmares: 

*after a nightmare the child is awake and alert and will seek your comfort and if able to talk will talk to you about his/her fear.

*the child will remember having had a nightmare

*when a child has a nightmare you should go to them and comfort them.

night terrors:

*the child will thrash around violently, screaming, and their eyes are often open, however the child is still asleep.

*the child will go back to peaceful sleep, and upon waking will not remember the night terror at all.

*it is recommended to NOT restrain a child experiencing night terrors as it seems to agitate the child more. You should remove any dangerous objects and supervise the child until he/she returns to peaceful sleep to be sure they do not harm themselves.