Dear Jenna: | Nightmares/Night Terrors

I know whether you're a working or stay at home mom it can be hard to get out and compare notes with a bunch of other moms. Your child's pediatrician will give you charts and explain where they fall percentage wise for their physical development, but I find that moms also want to know where their children fall in the emotional category. It can be hard to know what is normal for your child's emotional development, when you don't exactly have the opportunity to poll all the children in the neighborhood while doing laundry, cleaning up messes, and finding time to actually intentionally teach them what you value.


So I thought I'd begin sharing some of the questions my friends shoot my way. Especially when I see themes. So here is a theme I have seen recently.... Nightmares.

   
Dear Jenna,
Okay so how do you deal with kids when they have nightmares? Maybe I'm overreacting and she just wants to cuddle with me and is using a tactic that will work with me, but so far all I can think to do is let her sleep in bed with me.
-Softy

Dear Softy,
First of all it sounds like you're a fabulous Mama. (And since you happen to be my friend, I KNOW you are.) Secondly nightmares in children are common between the ages of 3-6. This has to do with the development of their brain at this stage in conjunction with their emotional development. Which means... you can stop feeling guilty now. ;-) You and all the other mothers out there. 
I would be remiss if I did not first recommend to take your child to their doctor. However for night terrors the most common recommendation from a pediatrician that I have heard is to let them grow out of it.
-Jenna

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Nightmares/Night Terrors


Jenna J. Gough, ACSW

Here is the most common technique I suggest to parents with children experiencing either nightmares or night terrors. 

Prayer: (spiritual piece)

Have the child's Father pray over their room. (If father is unable to do it or would rather not, the person in the home with the most spiritual authority is most desirable for this task. Be that Dad, Grandpa, Mom, or older brother.... etc.) The child should not be present. This could become super religious but need not be. It is simply exercising authority over the space in which your child sleeps, and telling any negative energy, spirit, etc. that it is not desired and to leave. 

The Bad Dream Cleaning Spray: (psychological piece)

Get a spray bottle. Fill it with water and lavender. 

Just before bed time, have (preferably) Father, go into the child's room with the "bad dream cleaning spray." Have Father spray down the entire room for bad dreams. (While child is watching.) Father should make sure he checks the corners of the room, under the bed, and most definitely the closet. Also, be sure to ask the child if there are any spots that you may have missed. Thoroughly spray down any areas the child may point out. 

The psychology behind it? At this age the child is learning to feel safe and secure on his/her own. This sense of security is largely transferred from parent to child. The child will associate the scent of lavender or whichever you choose, with their Father (in whose presence, the child is safe and secure.) You can also use Dad's aftershave, deodorant, whatever you'd like. Just don't let them know that it's just dad's aftershave. Get it right. This is the "bad dream cleaning spray" folks.

Of the five human senses, the sense that is most closely associated with our memory is our sense of smell. Dad's smell will linger on the pillow, and remind the brain (and in my personal opinion, the spirit of the child) that their Father is present and they are safe. Ta da!

Sleeping in Bed or Napping with Mom and Dad:

In severe cases (like in the foster children who have been abused by mom or dad) it takes a while for the sense of security to be restored in the child's mind and spirit. In cases of adoption for instance I recommend the child having the opportunity to have time with mom and dad in bed. I know people freak out about the "propriety" of it but if you've ever heard a child having a night terror, you might reconsider. The sense of safety and security that comes from the presence of a protective figure is unmatched by medicine. This however is for children that are behind emotionally, which is typically not your biological child unless they have witnessed a divorce or other type of emotionally upsetting experience. 

The last area to cover is YOU. Although the challenge may originate in your child's developing brain and spirit, it also may be a combination of your own fears as well. 

Check Yourself:

(psychological piece)

Your child has the ability to learn to sleep on his/her own between the ages of 3-6 if given the opportunity. But remember it is an emotional growth process and your role as parent is to help them transition from gaining their security from being with you, to the realization that they are still safe apart from you.

(spiritual piece)

Lots of parents don't actually believe this, hence the doubly difficult time they experience with this stage of their child's development. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?

 Do you trust that your child is okay outside of your sight? In their own bed? At school? Well if not, get over it. You're trippin' up your poor kid. And here is the real question... Do you trust God with your child? Or are you their God? What is the difference between being a parent and being God? 

     

In case you were wondering...

Nightmares vs. Night Terrors

nightmares: 

*after a nightmare the child is awake and alert and will seek your comfort and if able to talk will talk to you about his/her fear.

*the child will remember having had a nightmare

*when a child has a nightmare you should go to them and comfort them.

night terrors:

*the child will thrash around violently, screaming, and their eyes are often open, however the child is still asleep.

*the child will go back to peaceful sleep, and upon waking will not remember the night terror at all.

*it is recommended to NOT restrain a child experiencing night terrors as it seems to agitate the child more. You should remove any dangerous objects and supervise the child until he/she returns to peaceful sleep to be sure they do not harm themselves.