Lately I have been re-reading this book called Boundaries. It's a fairly popular book and I read it when it first came out. I thought it was great. In fact I thought it was really great... FOR the boyfriend I was dating at the time. (You can see where this is going.) 8 years later... eehh hem... I now think the book is great for ME.
The first thing I have drawn from the book was about saying No. Which I shared about last week. Apparently saying "No" is closely related to having healthy boundaries. Ha! Well the whole "No" thing has led me into even deeper thought and I am wondering, why do we feel so violated when someone does not accept our No?
I don't know about you, but I get really really pissed when people don't accept my no. Which is peculiar because usually my no isn't like a nice sugar-coated no. It's usually over compensated for and comes out like a pit bull barking. I'm so scared to say no to people, that I have to pump myself up. In the heat of my offense I can bark out a boundary. But to say no when I'm calm and lucid, scares the heck out of me. Frankly I don't really know how to say No in a gentle way. Then there are those nice people, that aren't so nice, but ask you to do things, that you don't want to do, in such a nice way that you can't say No. But wait.... I shouldn't be basing my decision on how nicely they asked, or on my fears of reprisal. I should be deciding if I can give them what they are asking for based on if I have it to give or not. And if I DO, then I need to decide if that person is special enough for me to give it to them. Because here was another real thunderbolt for me.... we are limited beings. I have limits! I only have so much, and not everybody is going to get a piece. I know. It's just completely distressing.
Where did I learn to receive a request and go straight into: If I say No they won't like me anymore. I'll never get invited again. If I don't watch their dog, they'll never watch mine. If I tell them I would normally charge for that, they won't think I'm nice. Thats what God calls us to be right? Nice. Oh that's not in there? I could have sworn the first commandment was: Be "nice."
So I took these feelings as a clue, and went a little deeper still. In school I learned that anger is always a secondary emotion. It always comes after we have felt something else. Something vulnerable like embarrassment, fear, shame, etc. So... when someone doesn't except my No, I get angry. I get angry because I feel something else? And that would be... Let me think about this.
Violated. Why do I feel violated? Ummm... because... I'm being violated. Lol. Okay. So that means they are taking something that is not theirs. Which would mean that I am not actually required to give it to them. Huh! It’s mine, not theirs. Interesting. My time is mine. Good to know. So you mean I don't have to give an answer? I can say No I don't want to give that to you. I don't have enough time this week, or rudest of all I can say simply, “No,” with no explanation. NO EXPLANATION! Ooooo.....
All of the sudden I am realizing, that what I give in relationship with people is sacred. It’s holy. It’s what I choose to give without any demands placed upon me. Do I even get a reward for letting people weasel me out of something that belongs to me. Last time I checked the newspaper nobody received a reward for having their home burglarized.
Growing up in church they always talked about how virginity is ‘holy’ or ‘sacred.’ Great. What does that look like exactly? In everyday life I mean. So I clustered a group of “holy” things together and looked at what was common about them? For example: sexuality, marriage, and communion. All of the sudden holy starts looking different to me. It means there are qualifications to participating in these things right? You don’t give what is precious and holy to just anyone. I mean the juice and crackers that the kids get while listening to the story of Noah’s Ark on a felt board isn’t called communion. That’s just a snack. Communion is not community property. It’s a member’s only kind of deal. In fact that is what strikes us so wrong about prostitution isn’t it? Taking something that is holy and objectifying it, making it community property. Something priceless is given a price.
I guess what I am saying is that our friendships, our relationships, and our time is holy. Our time is our life. And life is holy. When we share what was shared with us in private, with others, we have poured out something holy. We have acted like prostitutes. I have begun to feel that we are socially way off balance in this area. And I am one of the worst, most out of balance I have to admit. We are so connected to others in a superficial way, that we give information that is unique and special about ourselves to people who paid no price in friendship, passed no test of loyalty, and gave nothing in return. In doing this, we treat something that is incredibly valuable, as though it is very cheap.
How do we discipline ourselves to act differently in our social interactions? Sounds like a discussion for next Tuesday. I’ll look into that question and see what I can find. Can’t wait to see ya next week. Until then, I'll leave you to hang out with Sydney. (Who, apparently doesn't concern herself with these types of things.)
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