::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Bring your mug outside with me and let's sit in the garden. I've just planted a bunch of seeds and some are starting to sprout up. And there's lady bugs too. :)

So where were we anyway? Boundaries, right? Despite how underdeveloped I feel in this area, let us forge ahead ladies and gentleman.

Okay so the first chapter is called “A Day In a Boundaryless Life.” I’ve had 10,582 of those days. I think I can skip that section. Next is “What Does A Boundary Look Like.” Now that would be a good place to start. I think I’m a bit limited here. To me it looks like the word “No.” But I believe you can actually expand your boundary vocabulary. Some people are really good at saying No, without ever saying the word “No.” If you’re one of those kinds of people, would you mind if I follow you around 24/7 for the next year? I won't bother you at all. Lol.

Another part of knowing what a boundary looks like, is becoming more authentic in identifying your feelings. I've really been working on this lately. We have all kinds of fake feelings I call them. Anger and Happiness are the most popular. Happiness is not joy. Joy is something deep, like a well beneath your feet. Many of us mask our true feelings with either happiness or anger. Feelings are powerful! They serve a very important purpose in life. And anything that is powerful has parameters. (i.e electricity, sex, etc.) Remember this: We cannot be controlled by our feelings, and neither can we suppress and ignore them. We must sit through them. Let the wave wash over, and once you have experienced the feeling for that moment, you then allow it to inform you about the situation. You will make great decisions about boundaries, if you pay attention to your core feelings. (As opposed to the fake ones.)

And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:

“An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.”

Wowzeers!

::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Good Morning! Welcome to the Tea Partaaay!

To open things up this morning I thought I would ask a question and hear what you guys have to say this week. Now I’m genuinely asking, because it kind of has me stumped. You ready? Here it goes:

What is the different between love and pity?

::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Lately I have been re-reading this book called Boundaries. It's a fairly popular book and I read it when it first came out. I thought it was great. In fact I thought it was really great... FOR the boyfriend I was dating at the time. (You can see where this is going.) 8 years later... eehh hem... I now think the book is great for ME.

The first thing I have drawn from the book was about saying No. Which I shared about last week. Apparently saying "No" is closely related to having healthy boundaries. Ha! Well the whole "No" thing has led me into even deeper thought and I am wondering, why do we feel so violated when someone does not accept our No?

I don't know about you, but I get really really pissed when people don't accept my no. Which is peculiar because usually my no isn't like a nice sugar-coated no. It's usually over compensated for and comes out like a pit bull barking. I'm so scared to say no to people, that I have to pump myself up. In the heat of my offense I can bark out a boundary. But to say no when I'm calm and lucid, scares the heck out of me. Frankly I don't really know how to say No in a gentle way. Then there are those nice people, that aren't so nice, but ask you to do things, that you don't want to do, in such a nice way that you can't say No. But wait.... I shouldn't be basing my decision on how nicely they asked, or on my fears of reprisal. I should be deciding if I can give them what they are asking for based on if I have it to give or not. And if I DO, then I need to decide if that person is special enough for me to give it to them. Because here was another real thunderbolt for me.... we are limited beings. I have limits! I only have so much, and not everybody is going to get a piece. I know. It's just completely distressing.

Where did I learn to receive a request and go straight into: If I say No they won't like me anymore. I'll never get invited again. If I don't watch their dog, they'll never watch mine. If I tell them I would normally charge for that, they won't think I'm nice. Thats what God calls us to be right? Nice. Oh that's not in there? I could have sworn the first commandment was: Be "nice."

So I took these feelings as a clue, and went a little deeper still. In school I learned that anger is always a secondary emotion. It always comes after we have felt something else. Something vulnerable like embarrassment, fear, shame, etc. So... when someone doesn't except my No, I get angry. I get angry because I feel something else? And that would be... Let me think about this.

Violated. Why do I feel violated? Ummm... because... I'm being violated. Lol. Okay. So that means they are taking something that is not theirs. Which would mean that I am not actually required to give it to them. Huh! It’s mine, not theirs. Interesting. My time is mine. Good to know. So you mean I don't have to give an answer? I can say No I don't want to give that to you. I don't have enough time this week, or rudest of all I can say simply, “No,” with no explanation. NO EXPLANATION! Ooooo.....

All of the sudden I am realizing, that what I give in relationship with people is sacred. It’s holy. It’s what I choose to give without any demands placed upon me. Do I even get a reward for letting people weasel me out of something that belongs to me. Last time I checked the newspaper nobody received a reward for having their home burglarized.

Growing up in church they always talked about how virginity is ‘holy’ or ‘sacred.’ Great. What does that look like exactly? In everyday life I mean. So I clustered a group of “holy” things together and looked at what was common about them? For example: sexuality, marriage, and communion. All of the sudden holy starts looking different to me. It means there are qualifications to participating in these things right? You don’t give what is precious and holy to just anyone. I mean the juice and crackers that the kids get while listening to the story of Noah’s Ark on a felt board isn’t called communion. That’s just a snack. Communion is not community property. It’s a member’s only kind of deal. In fact that is what strikes us so wrong about prostitution isn’t it? Taking something that is holy and objectifying it, making it community property. Something priceless is given a price.

I guess what I am saying is that our friendships, our relationships, and our time is holy. Our time is our life. And life is holy. When we share what was shared with us in private, with others, we have poured out something holy. We have acted like prostitutes. I have begun to feel that we are socially way off balance in this area. And I am one of the worst, most out of balance I have to admit. We are so connected to others in a superficial way, that we give information that is unique and special about ourselves to people who paid no price in friendship, passed no test of loyalty, and gave nothing in return. In doing this, we treat something that is incredibly valuable, as though it is very cheap.

How do we discipline ourselves to act differently in our social interactions? Sounds like a discussion for next Tuesday. I’ll look into that question and see what I can find. Can’t wait to see ya next week. Until then, I'll leave you to hang out with Sydney. (Who, apparently doesn't concern herself with these types of things.)

::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Now this really knocked my socks off. God actually says No. He says no to us, he does. So it would be real good for me to get it down because then... I will represent Him better. God please teach me to say No to the things that you would say No to, and to be open and receptive to the things in my life that you say Yes to.

"We call people bad because they do not do what we want them to. We judge them for being themselves for fulfilling their wishes. We withdraw love from them when they do what they feel is best for them, but it is not what we want them to do."

-Boundaries, Cloud & Townsend

We do? Oh yes my friends. We DO!

How come we have such a hard time letting people just be themselves? Could we be thinking that if they don't except my invitation that means they don't like me? They don't want to spend time with me. But if there are strings attached, namely to make you feel good, it's really not an invitation at all now is it? It's a demand. An expectation that they meet your need.

Whoa whoa! Slow down. I'm just sitting here enjoying my cup of tea and talking to myself. If it hits home well at least I'm not the only one. Ha ha. Cuz I totally do this to people. All my friends are probably dying laughing right now.

Which reminds me of something someone shared with me just last week about getting offended. She said, "Do not always assume that if you are offended by something, that someone else did something wrong. Stop and consider the occasion and perhaps it is God that is offending you. Pointing His finger at an area where you are assuming something you shouldn't." Oh. I knew that. Yeah. Totally.

I mean it... "No?"

I've been thinking about very deep things lately. Mostly because I have very deep things going on in my life. This morning I was thinking about the word "No." Seems simple. But don't be fooled. Then I began to think how peculiar it is that I have such a hard time forming that word in various situations. It would seem I could just roll it off my tongue and out myself and my true feelings. But actually saying no has to do with more than just the ability to speak. It's having boundaries and a healthy view of yourself and an awareness of how you are feeling. Recently I have discovered a way in which I have a very unhealthy understanding of giving. Holy COW! I know it shocked me too.

If you won't say "no" to anybody, then everybody will witness you crash and burn. If something is so out of balance in your life that you do it with everyone, then don't be surprised when all those same people witness the consequences. If you eat so much all the time and never say no, then everyone will be able to see that you're over weight. If you can't say no to anything and get so stressed out, then you're going to have to tell everyone no once you have a stroke and are unable to do what they ask. If you refuse to forgive and get offended by everyone, the whole world will see that you don't have any deep and lasting friendships. Sometimes public lessons are the ones that finally get our attention. After all, isn't part of the purpose of us being healthy, so that we are able to have strong relationships with those around us?

If I try to be strong for everyone all the time, it will come as no surprise when I crumble to pieces. Vulnerability is important. Realistic expectations of ourselves are vital. Balance. How do we balance our relational life? Appearing strong all the time is a lie. And if I try to look like I have it together all the time, then I'm lying. And lies always catch up to us sooner or later.

I wish I had the answer to balancing one's relational life but I'm afraid that is the very thing I have little skill in. Ha. So feel free to come along on the journey if you can identify. I've already been spending time with some people who are fabulous balancers of all things social. They completely fascinate me. And though I've only been on this journey a few weeks the one thing I have noticed is that they are not particularly the most social of all beings. They socialize, but intentionally and also intentionally have down time to process and think about what occurred during their social time. Brilliant. It's brilliant. Now how exactly do I practice this...