Love vs. Pity

What is the difference between love and pity? Is pity a form of love? I have been pondering this over the past month. I am a deeply compassionate person and.... wait... Or AM I? Perhaps I am actually a fearful person. I am afraid of the emotional pain and hardships I see others experience. It bothers me deeply. I cannot imagine enduring it so I pity them. Am I compassionate if I look down upon people experiencing something I have not experienced? Is it helpful to that person (or group of people) to be interacted with in a way, that denotes inadequacy? Or does my pity subtly say to them, "You can't survive. You need someone. You are weak and helpless, let me be your comfort?"

I have concluded so far, that the difference between loving someone, and having pity on them, is respect.

We have all seen the following scenario before:

1. Dad

2. Mom

3. Little Billy

[Little Billy is afraid to ride his bike. And he starts crying.]

Mom: Oh come here poor Billy. I know its so scary. John just leave him be your upsetting him. He's scared.

Dad: [Sets Billy on the bike. Walks beside him.] Billy rides the bike. Maybe he even bites the dust a few times.

What is the difference between the two approaches? Mom doesn't believe Billy is ready or capable of riding the bike (right now.) Dad, knows that Billy can do it. Ultimately what dad is doing, is respecting his son for who he is, and all that's he's capable of. He sees his son as able to do things just like everyone else.

Here's the thing. Dad has the responsibility of being calmly assertive with his son. If he is forceful and aggressive with the lesson, then he rushes the process of growth and violates his sons in a different manner than mom just did. If it is dad's need for his boy to ride this darn bike, then he has gone too far the other way. However, there is a balance. If Dad walks beside his son, and demonstrates his belief that his son is ABLE, this is compassionate love. It comes out of respect and faith.

Mom on the other hand is coming from a place of fear. And her fear speaks volumes to her son without any words being exchanged at all. "You can't do it. You won't be okay. I won't be okay." This does not respect the individuality of her son. He is a separate being. He is able if given the opportunity. Our fears can limit opportunities for others. Or at least make it more difficult for them to see those opportunities.

Should we not consider these things when working with others. For certainly all of humanity is capable of great feats if they are so inclined. No matter where they are at, or what they have still to learn. We cannot learn everything all at once. Therefore all of us will have different sets of knowledge available to us. God created human beings with incredible resiliency. Though we will experience pain He will be with us in our pain, in our sorrows, as well as our joys. And if we all experience pain, perhaps it is an essential element for depth of character, for growth of the spirit within. How then can we look at others, who are experiencing this ration of humanity and look down upon them? What a disservice we do them, by not respecting the possibilities that are before them. By not having faith in them. In God.

“Pity” is an emotional response based on fear and misunderstanding. We “look down into a pit” and see someone in a condition very different from ourselves. From our vantage point far above them, we can enumerate all the things that separate “us” from “them”. We work to keep “them” at arm’s length, throwing things into the proverbial pit that we think will alleviate the misery down there, but not considering how we might help the person get out. We focus so much on the current condition they’re in that we don’t look at the potential of where they might be. We become so consumed by fear (“Oh, what if that were me—thank God that’s not me—I couldn’t imagine living like that!” that it restricts our response to actions that will preserve our position of power. We think that, if we can maintain that “higher ground,” we’ll somehow insulate ourselves from the possibility of future challenges for ourselves.

When we “have pity on” another person, we rob them of their essential humanity. Putting anything “on” someone else implies that we are the ones in control. “Having compassion for” someone is completely different. It preserves the common ground between us and them. To me at least, “for” is more active, more interactive, than “on” when other people are involved. You, as the person responding in compassion, must decide how involved “for” is going to be, and you also must accept that the other person’s response to “for them” might not be what you expect.

-Life Between the Notes

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Healthy Energy

I learn so much from this show about life. I hope it never ends. I love the part where Cesar says, "He needs to work on calm and assertive energy. He can't really be assertive because he feels bad. And feeling bad is weakness."

It taught me that our energy that we carry, is directly correlated to what we believe. If we feel shame, guilt, etc. that is unhealthy. That is an unhealthy state to be in, and yet so many of us remain in this state for a long time. It harms our spirit to believe things that bring shame and guilt.

Conviction is one thing, but it is for a time and then intended to move us forward into repentance. We must live in the moment. Live day by day and release those things which we have repented for. Guilt and shame mean we have stayed in a moment too long. The moment is over, but our spirit it stuck there. The only way to move the spirit forward is through either repenting, or forgiving.

I hear Cesar say certain things and it just connects for me in life.

"I am not here to tell you that you cannot be aggressive. But I am here to tell you that you have another choice."

"I was really apprehensive at first (I didn't trust), because of past experiences, but little by little that feeling ebbed away. In the end it was a joy."

I love this stuff.

Simplicity

I'm beginning to understand that it's the simple things in life that increase its quality.

I mean it... "No?"

I've been thinking about very deep things lately. Mostly because I have very deep things going on in my life. This morning I was thinking about the word "No." Seems simple. But don't be fooled. Then I began to think how peculiar it is that I have such a hard time forming that word in various situations. It would seem I could just roll it off my tongue and out myself and my true feelings. But actually saying no has to do with more than just the ability to speak. It's having boundaries and a healthy view of yourself and an awareness of how you are feeling. Recently I have discovered a way in which I have a very unhealthy understanding of giving. Holy COW! I know it shocked me too.

If you won't say "no" to anybody, then everybody will witness you crash and burn. If something is so out of balance in your life that you do it with everyone, then don't be surprised when all those same people witness the consequences. If you eat so much all the time and never say no, then everyone will be able to see that you're over weight. If you can't say no to anything and get so stressed out, then you're going to have to tell everyone no once you have a stroke and are unable to do what they ask. If you refuse to forgive and get offended by everyone, the whole world will see that you don't have any deep and lasting friendships. Sometimes public lessons are the ones that finally get our attention. After all, isn't part of the purpose of us being healthy, so that we are able to have strong relationships with those around us?

If I try to be strong for everyone all the time, it will come as no surprise when I crumble to pieces. Vulnerability is important. Realistic expectations of ourselves are vital. Balance. How do we balance our relational life? Appearing strong all the time is a lie. And if I try to look like I have it together all the time, then I'm lying. And lies always catch up to us sooner or later.

I wish I had the answer to balancing one's relational life but I'm afraid that is the very thing I have little skill in. Ha. So feel free to come along on the journey if you can identify. I've already been spending time with some people who are fabulous balancers of all things social. They completely fascinate me. And though I've only been on this journey a few weeks the one thing I have noticed is that they are not particularly the most social of all beings. They socialize, but intentionally and also intentionally have down time to process and think about what occurred during their social time. Brilliant. It's brilliant. Now how exactly do I practice this...

Climbing Mountains

Have you ever found yourself in a season of life, where you thought you were fairly proficient, only to realize you knew absolutely nothing? I've been having one of those seasons. It's been challenging and uncomfortable. Yet at the same time I have a hope that lives within during these times, for I know that my God is more concerned with my character than He is with my comfort. If I am uncomfortable... I am certain I must be gaining character. And that is my highest goal. To love, and to love well.

The Circle of Life

I've been thinking lately about how we were created for connection. To be plugged into a cycle, a network that gives and takes, moves and breathes. We draw physical life from the earth around us. Look at gardening for instance. We place our unused food into the soil, which makes it richer. That soil then returns the favor by producing more food for us to eat making us richer. The more food we have the richer we are. I mean come on... people used to think you were poor if you were skinny right? Whatever happened to those days? But anyway, I digress.

Sometimes I wonder what God uses as His educational tools. How He speaks and teaches His people. And I figure since most of the world is unable to read or write, maybe He uses something very simple, but that we all can understand. Like eating. Or gardening. Maybe He says profound things to us, in a very un-intellectual way. We can learn so much about ourselves in the simple daily tasks of life.

We are like the very plants that we eat from. We too need to be rooted and grounded in order to sustain health and personal growth. You mean all those times my mother told me, "You reap what you sow," it was true? Yes Mam. And true not just of the poor decisions in life, but more importantly of the good ones. Choose right now what you want to come back to you, what kind of fruit you want in your life, and go plant it.

If we constantly move, we avoid the benefits of roots. We miss the healthy conflicts that naturally occur in relationships as they grow deeper. In order to produce a depth of character, you MUST be submitted to authority in your life, and be plugged in to a community. Oh. I just stumbled across a get rich plan. (Without the quick.) There is nothing quick about growth, but the fastest way I can think to become rich??? Plug yourself into a community of people and let all their little quirks and differences-of-opinion rub you the wrong way, and poke and prod the soil of your heart until you are just the richest little plot of land around. I promise you... God will plant some rich relationships in that kind of soil.