::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Beautiful people don't just happen.

"All of us deal with many people every day. Everyone we meet hopes we will be kind and humble and unselfish. They don't care where we learned it. They don't care whether it came easy or hard, through failures or successes. If the guy next to you starts choking, he doesn't care where or how you learned the Heimlich maneuver, he just hopes you use it!
   What would your life be like without your failures? Do you accept them as much as your successes? One thing we can begin taking for granted is that every person we meet who seems to have courage, dignity, compassion, and humility has experienced failure and weakness and shame. Our spiritual success rests not on whether we have failed, but only on what we are willing to do with our failures."

-It's A Beautiful Life

You Can Have It All...

Actually you can't. Sorry. But don't shoot the messenger I didn't make the rules. That's what society says though right? That's the message on every billboard it seems. You can have it all, you need it all, you'll only be happy if you can get everything you want. Yet I am discovering quite a different reality. A simple truth that is hidden. Ignored. Covered up?

We are containers. Only so much will fit. There is an end to ourselves. Holy COW! I am not enough in some circumstances. That one really freaked me out. Lol. I am not enough to heal someone, I am not enough to make others happy, I am not enough to keep a company in business, and on and on it goes. 

So what is the root of the problem here? What is this undefined law or reality or what have you that I keep bumping into? I was trying to think of a good word for it, and well... I've decided to call it the "I am not God factor." Now I would never have admitted this in my early 20s but now I can say with all the humble contrition it should be stated with, that I thought I was God. Not that I was fully delusional, but just partially. I thought that I had an attribute of His. I thought I was UNLIMITED.

In the years since, I have encountered many bitter-sweet moments. And bitter sweet moments prove something to me. They prove that sometimes you can't have both. No doubt we WANT both. But someone in His almighty wisdom decided it would not work best for us, and thus allows us to experience our limits. And let's be honest... that really ticks us off. Right? 

Here are some examples, I want to keep all my friendships, because they all have something to offer. But guess what? I am limited. I cannot have tons of deeps friendships. Why? Because deep inherently means it costs me more. And I only have so much. So if I want deep, I cannot have a hundred friends. Acquaintances maybe, but not true friends.

How about for all of you who are mothers. I've been watching several of my friends who have little ones, that are leaving the "baby" stage. There are so many bitter sweet moments No? You cannot have both a baby and a man. You have to let go of one to have the other. I suppose you could TRY breast feeding him at 15, but I don't recommend it. ;-)

How about mother-in-laws. You cannot control your son and have a good relationship with his wife. Am I right? You have to let go of your son, if you want a healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law.

These are harsh realities at times. Letting go is difficult. We don't want to be required to let go. Why can't we just have both? Well there is great news. GREAT news. I'm telling you this is so exciting. When we embrace our limits, we inherently increase our quality. The true lesson here, is a lesson in value. YOUR value. 

You and I are in fact LIMITED. It's included in the human being package. It can be tempting to see this as a problem if you hold the belief that you are supposed to meet people's needs, or make them happy, etc. (Which I did. I'll admit it. I totally thought that.) Come to find out... other people are responsible for their happiness, for their inner level of peace. For their health. For themselves. And there is a God who is UNLIMITED who is ready and waiting for them to ask for His help.

In this season of my life, I have had the joyous opportunity to look my limits square in the face. It has been such a pleasant and peaceful experience. NOT! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it... 

And I hate it some more. 

Yet slowly I have begun to see my limits in a new light. Take ocean front property for example. Do you ever wonder why it's so much more expensive to live on the beach? No you don't really do you? You already know. Because there is a limit to the amount of "beach front" in the world. Limited things actually hold a high value. So let me ask you a few questions if I may?

What do you think is a fair price for your property? For what you possess? For your health? For what you offer in friendship? Are you asking it? I didn't say demanding it. That is totally all wrong. But are you requiring it. Because you will be paid the price that you require. Not by all, but by the some. (The ones who see your worth.) And do you really want to be drained by a bunch of people that don't know your worth anyway?

For those looking to purchase or invest relationally? 

Remember... you get what you pay for. ;-)And specifically to those people who are always looking for a deal. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it at all. But that doesn't work when it comes to people. Don't believe me? Take a look at the majority of your friendships and honestly answer this question to yourself. Are you the taker or the giver? I'll wager to bet you're the giver. Tired of that? There's one solution. Be willing to purchase higher quality.

:: Tuesday's Tea With Me ::

Is there a place you go to in order to take refuge -- a safe space to sort yourself out?

Everyone needs to know how to take refuge. No matter how much you love your life, no matter how strong or motivated you may be, you will be overwhelmed at times. Maybe you'll be trying to pick yourself up after a hard knock, or losing your house or your job, or you may simply have a hard week. At these junctions in life if you don't have a habit of taking refuge, life can begin to feel like an endless treadmill.

But there is more to life than everything going smoothly all the time. And boy have I ever learned this in life. That's not what it's about. It's not about being comfortable. It's about being in relationship with the being who created it all. And if you've been in any sort of relationship, you know.... it's not always a bed of roses.

The word "refuge" means "place of shelter." But I don't mean the basic physical shelter that every human being needs. I'm referring to the kind of shelter that shelters your spirit. A shelter in which you can tuck yourself away safely for a time and get in touch with your deepest heart's cry. This is especially important when you feel lost or overwhelmed, tossed about by external pressures or inner turmoil.

Alright so what defines a refuge? First, it should help your mind calm down. Second, it should help you feel safe and protected. On a normal day, it helps you stay connected to your center, to keep your peace-level at a 10, or to feel that other human beings share your concerns. On a bad day, your place of refuge can restore your soul. It can also function as a kind of cocoon, where you retreat to do the sort of self-examination that leads to inner change. There you can shed your masks, process your failures, and savor your joys. 

:: Tuesday's Tea With Me ::

I was talking with one of my best friends the other day. We were reminiscing about all the harrowing things we have been through in our 30 years of life and how they have all turned out to be catalysts. Between the two of us there have been some very painful and traumatic experiences. And also some choices we've made that really cost us. And I imagine that if I were to gather even a handful of friends I have grown up with, that there would be so many many trials of which to share. I know I have had friends that have passed away, some that have had cancer, car accidents, lost their homes, gotten pregnant sooner than they'd like, I mean... we ALL have something, if not many challenges in life. 

That's life right? Some of us got married young, some of us have been divorced, some of us have never been married and want to so badly, while others are married and would sure enjoy those days of singleness and freedom. Some of us are pulling our hair out because we have little muchkins running everywhere, and some of us are pulling our hair out because we haven't been able to conceive a little munchkin. And I have had several close girlfriends miscarry and it just tore my heart out for them. 

I personally have had a surgeon cut the wrong part of me during a routine operation and I nearly died. I spent years healing from that. That sheer physical pain was utterly unbearable. In my mid-20s I lost someone very dear to me to a drunk driver and saw his crushed body beneath a yellow sheet on TV. Life is really painful. And I think I have said this before but its worth saying again.... You know what you do with pain? You sit through it. I've grown to see pain as free college. Truly. If it's painful, it means you are the lucky winner of an opportunity to grow deeper and wider.

Who wants to reach our forties or fifties and be shallow? Still partying and aimlessly skipping from friendship to friendship, relationship to relationship? I don't. I want to be deep. Which means... I can count on more hardships. I find that each of these experiences has taught me to interact with and rely on God in a new way. 

Like my friend said, 

"When I get worried or overwhelmed I try to reflect back and see all the issues God has been with me through and the outcome of those.  I realize that He has delivered me out of every issue without fail. And His outcome is always sweet."

:: Tuesday's Tea With Me ::

Doesn't this look like the perfect home to be invited over for tea? I saw this gem in the middle of a very unassuming neighborhood and was just delighted by its charm. Let's pretend we're on a porch swing watching some crazy lady pull up with a camera a take a picture. 


The weather has been rather warm. Perhaps we should have some lemonade instead? Help yourself the picker is in the fridge. 


So this week I have been taking a little poll. I have been trying to define the word "honor." I realized on my way to church last week that I don't really have a very good understanding of this word. I'm trying to wrap my mind around what it looks like in verb form. The following is what I was able to come up with so far... and admittedly it's not much. I'm not sure I really understand honor at all. 


Honor is doing something for someone, even though you don't have to. Which is different from slavery. It is a willful choice to do what is asked, despite your knowledge that you are free not to.


Any additional thoughts?

::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Alright.

Well. I wasn't going to talk about this. Because it seemed rather vulnerable. [deep sigh] BUT... since my friend Meghan had the guts to share a similar type matter, I took my cue from her and mustered up the courage to share.

As some of you may know my New Years Resolution was to take a Facebook sabbatical. Now I had a feeling it would be hard to do. Kind of. But I didn't realize the impact it would have in only a 24 hour period. Without Facebook there to make me "think" that I was connected, I had to come to grips with the reality that I'm really not. Damn! 

So this morning I have been taking stock of my relational life; the connections I do have, the ones maybe I should have, and what in the world I have been feeding off of in the mean time. This whole year has been a theme of increasing the quality of my life in a variety of areas. So here I am facing yet another opportunity for improvement: relationships. How do you develop quality over quantity in that regard?

Stay tuned. I don't have the answer yet. But I'm hoping to develop some insights. :-)

P.S. Grandma brought me over more fresh roses from her garden. Yes!

::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Grandma brought over these pink roses yesterday straight from her garden. :-) I'm pretty sure these would bring a good dose of cheer to anyone. She came over in the rain, donned her umbrella and brought them straight to my front door. And I checked... they smell fabulous. Have you ever smelled those roses that don't smell? What kind of a deal is that? Reminds me of Macy's as a child. Remember those big cushy beds out on display that you ran and jumped on and practically broke your back? Apparently Macy's doesn't believe in mattresses. I only did that once. (Probably after several assurances from my older brother that it was heaven to land on such a plush comforter.) Anyway, I digress.


Sooo... these holidays I have found myself very busy. And this week I realized, too busy. I took some time to stop for a few days actually. I had plenty of time to consider what I would like to focus on for the remaining days of 2011. How do I want to enter in to this New Year? One theme that seems to be popping up in my life these days is "quality." I'm really desiring to live my life in manner such that less is more. Perhaps fewer gifts but quality ones. Perhaps less work, but quality work. Maybe even less social interactions, but quality time and presence in each.


I have given some thought to an appropriate strategy and have landed on the notion that I'm going to take a Facebook sabbatical. Which if it resembles anything like my television sabbatical, could evolve into a permanent leave of absence. I am not however taking a sabbatical from my Tea Times with you cheery chaps. In case you have been enjoying our times together, you won't be finding them on Facebook any longer. However feel free to subscribe to e-mail notifications or just pop in whenever you the hankering.


The way I figure it, this strategy will cost me more to have time with others and cost others more as well. And too me this seems, at least from the starting gate, like a good formula for increasing quality. I could be wrong we'll see. 


For now I would like to wish you each a very Merry Christmas. May you have a wonderful week. Take time to soak it in, and particularly to enjoy the richness that comes from family and friends gathering. Love to you all. Xoxo

::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Sooo... I've been in a fog lately. I pulled out my iPhone and used the compass unfortunately that didn't seem to give my life direction either. So I have been mentally sitting and waiting. Then this morning as I sat feeling miserable I thought, "Well maybe I am thinking of this whole fog thing all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't see it has a heavy dark cloud in which I am stuck without control, but MAYBE I could get to a place where I see it as more of a playpen." You know like those pack-N-plays that they put babies in? 

How many times have I wished that I could be childlike and worry free. Remember the days when your greatest concerned was how much longer you could stay in the sand box before mom called you in for dinner? Maybe I'm just in the sandbox. Maybe I don't need to worry about how its all going to work out or what direction I'm headed. Did I just SAY that? Who is this typing? I think I'm having an out of body experience. Lol. 

Attempt at not worrying and letting go of the whole notion that I need to see what I'm doing and where I'm going... coming right up.

I mean look at Kia. You think she worries about if I've got enough cat food? She trusts me. Ohhh I see... It is her trust that eliminates anxiety. Apparently they are directly tied. Does anyone know of a switch that you can flip to turn the trust on? Cuz I am sick of worrying about tomorrow.

I am Me.

I came across something rather deep this weekend. I really care about people. I love you people so much. 


I have discovered a caveat however. You can't be so concerned for others that you neglect your own life. There is a balance. Caring is one thing, but you also have to let others have their own process. Even if their process is painful for the time being. So I have decided to care less about other lives and enjoy my own. A long overdue change for me.

At this place in life I have been through several deep lessons. When I see people going through a test that I've traveled myself I want to give them the answers. But I've changed my mind about that. I've decided to get off their field and stand on the sidelines and cheer them on as they deserve to take the same course and gain the same riches that God allows in me. Besides, what if the answers on my test weren't the same as theirs. How arrogant is that? Well it looks arrogant but it's actually that I'm afraid others won't be okay. Which means I don't really trust the God that I say I believe in.

Ultimately I have to trust God to do the same thing for others that He has done for me. He has allowed severe pain in my life. To my great benefit. I must not be afraid to see others in pain. I must trust that they too, are as beloved and precious to the Father. That they too are strong enough to find the deeper answers in life's circumstances.

In case you are thinking this applies to you. This applies to many relationships in my life because its a slight glitch in the way I have related to people. Some whom I love very much. I am learning that it is MORE loving to cheer you on, than try to rescue and fix things. If I was concerned before that you wouldn't be okay, that's sweet and all, but now I believe differently. I can look past the possibility that you won't be okay, to a God who is more than able to have His way in your life. Let me just get out of the way, while He handles things. Bless you my friends. And may you find the answers you seek in this life. 

Anyway, in case you're interested in my life, today my life included Banana Pancakes. :)

::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Bring your mug outside with me and let's sit in the garden. I've just planted a bunch of seeds and some are starting to sprout up. And there's lady bugs too. :)

So where were we anyway? Boundaries, right? Despite how underdeveloped I feel in this area, let us forge ahead ladies and gentleman.

Okay so the first chapter is called “A Day In a Boundaryless Life.” I’ve had 10,582 of those days. I think I can skip that section. Next is “What Does A Boundary Look Like.” Now that would be a good place to start. I think I’m a bit limited here. To me it looks like the word “No.” But I believe you can actually expand your boundary vocabulary. Some people are really good at saying No, without ever saying the word “No.” If you’re one of those kinds of people, would you mind if I follow you around 24/7 for the next year? I won't bother you at all. Lol.

Another part of knowing what a boundary looks like, is becoming more authentic in identifying your feelings. I've really been working on this lately. We have all kinds of fake feelings I call them. Anger and Happiness are the most popular. Happiness is not joy. Joy is something deep, like a well beneath your feet. Many of us mask our true feelings with either happiness or anger. Feelings are powerful! They serve a very important purpose in life. And anything that is powerful has parameters. (i.e electricity, sex, etc.) Remember this: We cannot be controlled by our feelings, and neither can we suppress and ignore them. We must sit through them. Let the wave wash over, and once you have experienced the feeling for that moment, you then allow it to inform you about the situation. You will make great decisions about boundaries, if you pay attention to your core feelings. (As opposed to the fake ones.)

And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:

“An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.”

Wowzeers!

Soul Search

"Be still and know that I am God."

Some Days Never Come

“If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is made perfect in us.”

- 1 John 4:12

Someday. The enemy of risky love is a snake whose tongue has mastered the talk of deception.

"Someday," he hisses.

"Someday, I can take her on the cruise."

"Someday, I will have time to call and chat."

"Someday, the children will understand why I was so busy."

But you know the truth, don't you? You know even before I write it. You could say it better than I. Some days never come. And the price of practicality is sometimes higher than extravagance. But the rewards of risky love are always greater than its cost.

Go to the effort. Invest the time. Write the letter. Make the apology. Take the trip. Do the work. Purchase the gift. Do it. The seized opportunity renders joy. The neglected brings regret.

By: Max Lucado

Healthy Energy

I learn so much from this show about life. I hope it never ends. I love the part where Cesar says, "He needs to work on calm and assertive energy. He can't really be assertive because he feels bad. And feeling bad is weakness."

It taught me that our energy that we carry, is directly correlated to what we believe. If we feel shame, guilt, etc. that is unhealthy. That is an unhealthy state to be in, and yet so many of us remain in this state for a long time. It harms our spirit to believe things that bring shame and guilt.

Conviction is one thing, but it is for a time and then intended to move us forward into repentance. We must live in the moment. Live day by day and release those things which we have repented for. Guilt and shame mean we have stayed in a moment too long. The moment is over, but our spirit it stuck there. The only way to move the spirit forward is through either repenting, or forgiving.

I hear Cesar say certain things and it just connects for me in life.

"I am not here to tell you that you cannot be aggressive. But I am here to tell you that you have another choice."

"I was really apprehensive at first (I didn't trust), because of past experiences, but little by little that feeling ebbed away. In the end it was a joy."

I love this stuff.

And I quote...

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."

~Henry David Thoreau

Au Jardin

Oh my back hurts. I'm getting old. Lol. Gardening is quite a bit more exercise than I felt it was 10 years ago. Lol.

I don't know what got into me this week, but I was sick and tired of looking at dead plants for the past year. I figured it was time to get my garden back in shape.

Sydney found herself a nice little spot to watch the activities from a safe distance. I'm not fooled little girl I KNOW you'll be out there digging in all that fresh dirt as soon as I turn my back. :)

::Tuesday's Tea With Me::

Good Morning! Welcome to the Tea Partaaay!

To open things up this morning I thought I would ask a question and hear what you guys have to say this week. Now I’m genuinely asking, because it kind of has me stumped. You ready? Here it goes:

What is the different between love and pity?

Simplicity

I'm beginning to understand that it's the simple things in life that increase its quality.

Maybe...

I have been going through an incredibly difficult time lately. And somehow I have felt like it really serves a purpose in my life. For me at least, there is nothing that occurs in my life that is meaningless. For the past several months I have wondered night and day, what IS the purpose for this trial?

I think it's pretty hard to break through my comfortable life. I have a very comfortable life. A far reaching deeply loyal family. Parents with a solid healthy marriage, and who would give me anything they have. I have money, a stable job, I own my home... I have a red beach cruiser with a little bell to jingle for Pete's Sake. Two cats to cuddle. Nieces, nephews, cousins...Difficulty can't touch me. I'm superhuman. Oh wait. Got a little carried away there. Fortunately God knows just the thing that will help break me out of my dependence upon my SELF. What will snap me out of an unhealthy pattern by which I am getting my needs met.

So through this all, I am realizing... Oh. I need Him. I need a God. Because I am human and humanity is messy and hard. It stands to reason that I need the being who created this place to help me navigate it. Without Him it's all meaningless. Like spitting into the wind. Today on my way home I heard this song and it couldn't be more relevant to my life.

It's called "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson. Here are some of my favorite lines:

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Maybe... just maybe this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Lately I have been re-reading this book called Boundaries. It's a fairly popular book and I read it when it first came out. I thought it was great. In fact I thought it was really great... FOR the boyfriend I was dating at the time. (You can see where this is going.) 8 years later... eehh hem... I now think the book is great for ME.

The first thing I have drawn from the book was about saying No. Which I shared about last week. Apparently saying "No" is closely related to having healthy boundaries. Ha! Well the whole "No" thing has led me into even deeper thought and I am wondering, why do we feel so violated when someone does not accept our No?

I don't know about you, but I get really really pissed when people don't accept my no. Which is peculiar because usually my no isn't like a nice sugar-coated no. It's usually over compensated for and comes out like a pit bull barking. I'm so scared to say no to people, that I have to pump myself up. In the heat of my offense I can bark out a boundary. But to say no when I'm calm and lucid, scares the heck out of me. Frankly I don't really know how to say No in a gentle way. Then there are those nice people, that aren't so nice, but ask you to do things, that you don't want to do, in such a nice way that you can't say No. But wait.... I shouldn't be basing my decision on how nicely they asked, or on my fears of reprisal. I should be deciding if I can give them what they are asking for based on if I have it to give or not. And if I DO, then I need to decide if that person is special enough for me to give it to them. Because here was another real thunderbolt for me.... we are limited beings. I have limits! I only have so much, and not everybody is going to get a piece. I know. It's just completely distressing.

Where did I learn to receive a request and go straight into: If I say No they won't like me anymore. I'll never get invited again. If I don't watch their dog, they'll never watch mine. If I tell them I would normally charge for that, they won't think I'm nice. Thats what God calls us to be right? Nice. Oh that's not in there? I could have sworn the first commandment was: Be "nice."

So I took these feelings as a clue, and went a little deeper still. In school I learned that anger is always a secondary emotion. It always comes after we have felt something else. Something vulnerable like embarrassment, fear, shame, etc. So... when someone doesn't except my No, I get angry. I get angry because I feel something else? And that would be... Let me think about this.

Violated. Why do I feel violated? Ummm... because... I'm being violated. Lol. Okay. So that means they are taking something that is not theirs. Which would mean that I am not actually required to give it to them. Huh! It’s mine, not theirs. Interesting. My time is mine. Good to know. So you mean I don't have to give an answer? I can say No I don't want to give that to you. I don't have enough time this week, or rudest of all I can say simply, “No,” with no explanation. NO EXPLANATION! Ooooo.....

All of the sudden I am realizing, that what I give in relationship with people is sacred. It’s holy. It’s what I choose to give without any demands placed upon me. Do I even get a reward for letting people weasel me out of something that belongs to me. Last time I checked the newspaper nobody received a reward for having their home burglarized.

Growing up in church they always talked about how virginity is ‘holy’ or ‘sacred.’ Great. What does that look like exactly? In everyday life I mean. So I clustered a group of “holy” things together and looked at what was common about them? For example: sexuality, marriage, and communion. All of the sudden holy starts looking different to me. It means there are qualifications to participating in these things right? You don’t give what is precious and holy to just anyone. I mean the juice and crackers that the kids get while listening to the story of Noah’s Ark on a felt board isn’t called communion. That’s just a snack. Communion is not community property. It’s a member’s only kind of deal. In fact that is what strikes us so wrong about prostitution isn’t it? Taking something that is holy and objectifying it, making it community property. Something priceless is given a price.

I guess what I am saying is that our friendships, our relationships, and our time is holy. Our time is our life. And life is holy. When we share what was shared with us in private, with others, we have poured out something holy. We have acted like prostitutes. I have begun to feel that we are socially way off balance in this area. And I am one of the worst, most out of balance I have to admit. We are so connected to others in a superficial way, that we give information that is unique and special about ourselves to people who paid no price in friendship, passed no test of loyalty, and gave nothing in return. In doing this, we treat something that is incredibly valuable, as though it is very cheap.

How do we discipline ourselves to act differently in our social interactions? Sounds like a discussion for next Tuesday. I’ll look into that question and see what I can find. Can’t wait to see ya next week. Until then, I'll leave you to hang out with Sydney. (Who, apparently doesn't concern herself with these types of things.)