You Can Have It All...

Actually you can't. Sorry. But don't shoot the messenger I didn't make the rules. That's what society says though right? That's the message on every billboard it seems. You can have it all, you need it all, you'll only be happy if you can get everything you want. Yet I am discovering quite a different reality. A simple truth that is hidden. Ignored. Covered up?

We are containers. Only so much will fit. There is an end to ourselves. Holy COW! I am not enough in some circumstances. That one really freaked me out. Lol. I am not enough to heal someone, I am not enough to make others happy, I am not enough to keep a company in business, and on and on it goes. 

So what is the root of the problem here? What is this undefined law or reality or what have you that I keep bumping into? I was trying to think of a good word for it, and well... I've decided to call it the "I am not God factor." Now I would never have admitted this in my early 20s but now I can say with all the humble contrition it should be stated with, that I thought I was God. Not that I was fully delusional, but just partially. I thought that I had an attribute of His. I thought I was UNLIMITED.

In the years since, I have encountered many bitter-sweet moments. And bitter sweet moments prove something to me. They prove that sometimes you can't have both. No doubt we WANT both. But someone in His almighty wisdom decided it would not work best for us, and thus allows us to experience our limits. And let's be honest... that really ticks us off. Right? 

Here are some examples, I want to keep all my friendships, because they all have something to offer. But guess what? I am limited. I cannot have tons of deeps friendships. Why? Because deep inherently means it costs me more. And I only have so much. So if I want deep, I cannot have a hundred friends. Acquaintances maybe, but not true friends.

How about for all of you who are mothers. I've been watching several of my friends who have little ones, that are leaving the "baby" stage. There are so many bitter sweet moments No? You cannot have both a baby and a man. You have to let go of one to have the other. I suppose you could TRY breast feeding him at 15, but I don't recommend it. ;-)

How about mother-in-laws. You cannot control your son and have a good relationship with his wife. Am I right? You have to let go of your son, if you want a healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law.

These are harsh realities at times. Letting go is difficult. We don't want to be required to let go. Why can't we just have both? Well there is great news. GREAT news. I'm telling you this is so exciting. When we embrace our limits, we inherently increase our quality. The true lesson here, is a lesson in value. YOUR value. 

You and I are in fact LIMITED. It's included in the human being package. It can be tempting to see this as a problem if you hold the belief that you are supposed to meet people's needs, or make them happy, etc. (Which I did. I'll admit it. I totally thought that.) Come to find out... other people are responsible for their happiness, for their inner level of peace. For their health. For themselves. And there is a God who is UNLIMITED who is ready and waiting for them to ask for His help.

In this season of my life, I have had the joyous opportunity to look my limits square in the face. It has been such a pleasant and peaceful experience. NOT! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it... 

And I hate it some more. 

Yet slowly I have begun to see my limits in a new light. Take ocean front property for example. Do you ever wonder why it's so much more expensive to live on the beach? No you don't really do you? You already know. Because there is a limit to the amount of "beach front" in the world. Limited things actually hold a high value. So let me ask you a few questions if I may?

What do you think is a fair price for your property? For what you possess? For your health? For what you offer in friendship? Are you asking it? I didn't say demanding it. That is totally all wrong. But are you requiring it. Because you will be paid the price that you require. Not by all, but by the some. (The ones who see your worth.) And do you really want to be drained by a bunch of people that don't know your worth anyway?

For those looking to purchase or invest relationally? 

Remember... you get what you pay for. ;-)And specifically to those people who are always looking for a deal. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it at all. But that doesn't work when it comes to people. Don't believe me? Take a look at the majority of your friendships and honestly answer this question to yourself. Are you the taker or the giver? I'll wager to bet you're the giver. Tired of that? There's one solution. Be willing to purchase higher quality.

::Tuesday's Tea with Me::

Bring your mug outside with me and let's sit in the garden. I've just planted a bunch of seeds and some are starting to sprout up. And there's lady bugs too. :)

So where were we anyway? Boundaries, right? Despite how underdeveloped I feel in this area, let us forge ahead ladies and gentleman.

Okay so the first chapter is called “A Day In a Boundaryless Life.” I’ve had 10,582 of those days. I think I can skip that section. Next is “What Does A Boundary Look Like.” Now that would be a good place to start. I think I’m a bit limited here. To me it looks like the word “No.” But I believe you can actually expand your boundary vocabulary. Some people are really good at saying No, without ever saying the word “No.” If you’re one of those kinds of people, would you mind if I follow you around 24/7 for the next year? I won't bother you at all. Lol.

Another part of knowing what a boundary looks like, is becoming more authentic in identifying your feelings. I've really been working on this lately. We have all kinds of fake feelings I call them. Anger and Happiness are the most popular. Happiness is not joy. Joy is something deep, like a well beneath your feet. Many of us mask our true feelings with either happiness or anger. Feelings are powerful! They serve a very important purpose in life. And anything that is powerful has parameters. (i.e electricity, sex, etc.) Remember this: We cannot be controlled by our feelings, and neither can we suppress and ignore them. We must sit through them. Let the wave wash over, and once you have experienced the feeling for that moment, you then allow it to inform you about the situation. You will make great decisions about boundaries, if you pay attention to your core feelings. (As opposed to the fake ones.)

And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:

“An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.”

Wowzeers!

I mean it... "No?"

I've been thinking about very deep things lately. Mostly because I have very deep things going on in my life. This morning I was thinking about the word "No." Seems simple. But don't be fooled. Then I began to think how peculiar it is that I have such a hard time forming that word in various situations. It would seem I could just roll it off my tongue and out myself and my true feelings. But actually saying no has to do with more than just the ability to speak. It's having boundaries and a healthy view of yourself and an awareness of how you are feeling. Recently I have discovered a way in which I have a very unhealthy understanding of giving. Holy COW! I know it shocked me too.

If you won't say "no" to anybody, then everybody will witness you crash and burn. If something is so out of balance in your life that you do it with everyone, then don't be surprised when all those same people witness the consequences. If you eat so much all the time and never say no, then everyone will be able to see that you're over weight. If you can't say no to anything and get so stressed out, then you're going to have to tell everyone no once you have a stroke and are unable to do what they ask. If you refuse to forgive and get offended by everyone, the whole world will see that you don't have any deep and lasting friendships. Sometimes public lessons are the ones that finally get our attention. After all, isn't part of the purpose of us being healthy, so that we are able to have strong relationships with those around us?

If I try to be strong for everyone all the time, it will come as no surprise when I crumble to pieces. Vulnerability is important. Realistic expectations of ourselves are vital. Balance. How do we balance our relational life? Appearing strong all the time is a lie. And if I try to look like I have it together all the time, then I'm lying. And lies always catch up to us sooner or later.

I wish I had the answer to balancing one's relational life but I'm afraid that is the very thing I have little skill in. Ha. So feel free to come along on the journey if you can identify. I've already been spending time with some people who are fabulous balancers of all things social. They completely fascinate me. And though I've only been on this journey a few weeks the one thing I have noticed is that they are not particularly the most social of all beings. They socialize, but intentionally and also intentionally have down time to process and think about what occurred during their social time. Brilliant. It's brilliant. Now how exactly do I practice this...