What is the difference between love and pity? Is pity a form of love? I have been pondering this over the past month. I am a deeply compassionate person and.... wait... Or AM I? Perhaps I am actually a fearful person. I am afraid of the emotional pain and hardships I see others experience. It bothers me deeply. I cannot imagine enduring it so I pity them. Am I compassionate if I look down upon people experiencing something I have not experienced? Is it helpful to that person (or group of people) to be interacted with in a way, that denotes inadequacy? Or does my pity subtly say to them, "You can't survive. You need someone. You are weak and helpless, let me be your comfort?"
I have concluded so far, that the difference between loving someone, and having pity on them, is respect.
We have all seen the following scenario before:
1. Dad
2. Mom
3. Little Billy
[Little Billy is afraid to ride his bike. And he starts crying.]
Mom: Oh come here poor Billy. I know its so scary. John just leave him be your upsetting him. He's scared.
Dad: [Sets Billy on the bike. Walks beside him.] Billy rides the bike. Maybe he even bites the dust a few times.
What is the difference between the two approaches? Mom doesn't believe Billy is ready or capable of riding the bike (right now.) Dad, knows that Billy can do it. Ultimately what dad is doing, is respecting his son for who he is, and all that's he's capable of. He sees his son as able to do things just like everyone else.
Here's the thing. Dad has the responsibility of being calmly assertive with his son. If he is forceful and aggressive with the lesson, then he rushes the process of growth and violates his sons in a different manner than mom just did. If it is dad's need for his boy to ride this darn bike, then he has gone too far the other way. However, there is a balance. If Dad walks beside his son, and demonstrates his belief that his son is ABLE, this is compassionate love. It comes out of respect and faith.
Mom on the other hand is coming from a place of fear. And her fear speaks volumes to her son without any words being exchanged at all. "You can't do it. You won't be okay. I won't be okay." This does not respect the individuality of her son. He is a separate being. He is able if given the opportunity. Our fears can limit opportunities for others. Or at least make it more difficult for them to see those opportunities.
Should we not consider these things when working with others. For certainly all of humanity is capable of great feats if they are so inclined. No matter where they are at, or what they have still to learn. We cannot learn everything all at once. Therefore all of us will have different sets of knowledge available to us. God created human beings with incredible resiliency. Though we will experience pain He will be with us in our pain, in our sorrows, as well as our joys. And if we all experience pain, perhaps it is an essential element for depth of character, for growth of the spirit within. How then can we look at others, who are experiencing this ration of humanity and look down upon them? What a disservice we do them, by not respecting the possibilities that are before them. By not having faith in them. In God.
“Pity” is an emotional response based on fear and misunderstanding. We “look down into a pit” and see someone in a condition very different from ourselves. From our vantage point far above them, we can enumerate all the things that separate “us” from “them”. We work to keep “them” at arm’s length, throwing things into the proverbial pit that we think will alleviate the misery down there, but not considering how we might help the person get out. We focus so much on the current condition they’re in that we don’t look at the potential of where they might be. We become so consumed by fear (“Oh, what if that were me—thank God that’s not me—I couldn’t imagine living like that!” that it restricts our response to actions that will preserve our position of power. We think that, if we can maintain that “higher ground,” we’ll somehow insulate ourselves from the possibility of future challenges for ourselves.
When we “have pity on” another person, we rob them of their essential humanity. Putting anything “on” someone else implies that we are the ones in control. “Having compassion for” someone is completely different. It preserves the common ground between us and them. To me at least, “for” is more active, more interactive, than “on” when other people are involved. You, as the person responding in compassion, must decide how involved “for” is going to be, and you also must accept that the other person’s response to “for them” might not be what you expect.
So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
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